Much of our suffering comes from efforts to avoid suffering.

Or, in the words of Carl Jung: “What we resist, persists.”

Overwork can be one of the ways that we resist distressing emotions. Sometimes it can be harder to spot than other maladaptive coping mechanisms because work, and often overwork, tends to be praised and rewarded.

But if we are using work to soothe ourselves or to shield ourselves from unwanted thoughts and feelings, that is still a maladaptive process.

Consider a frequent companion to overwork, perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not about being perfect. It is about striving for perfection.

That striving may mean that you perform better and make fewer mistakes (or that you think you do), but it likely also means something about how you see yourself. The constant striving may come not only from a desire for excellence but also from a deep-seated fear that you are not already enough.

You could pour a literal ocean into a cup with a hole in it and the cup wouldn’t fill up. 

Similarly, you can work harder, faster, better than anyone else you know and it won’t fundamentally change your views of yourself and your self-worth. So if you’re on that treadmill, I invite you to step off.

There is no amount of accomplishment that can fill a broken cup.

It can be difficult to differentiate self-directed overwork from significant demands inherent in the work itself. To make that determination, try asking yourself:

• How does your workload seem to compare with that of your peers?
• When you do have some down time, do you enjoy it? Suffer through it? Rush to fill it with tasks?
• How much of your identity is tied to your work?

Just a reminder here to watch out for “shoulding.” The father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, Albert Ellis, famously suggested that we stop “shoulding” on ourselves. But if we manage to do that, we frequently find that there are others who are all too willing to continue shoulding on us. 

Messages about how much more (or less) you “should” work or how you “should” feel can be detrimental. 

Loved ones might advise us about what our workload should look like. This shoulding doesn’t mean that the person wishes us harm; very often, these shoulds are expressed out of a desire to help us through our pain and overwhelm. 

But if you find yourself in the position of realizing that you use overwork to avoid painful emotion, and you decide that you would like to reduce or stop this behavior, it will be helpful to define your new boundaries. 

Setting boundaries is an intensely personal effort. In order to set boundaries that are right for you, you first need to know what’s right for you. If you are stepping away from overwork as a means of camouflaging feelings or propping up self-value, you next need to define what a healthy amount of work looks like to you.

Again, remember that we are talking here about work that is within your control and how you exert that control more adaptively.

Once you have defined your boundaries for yourself, you need to communicate them.

It is important to communicate your boundaries when you are calm and emotionally regulated. If you take on more and more (and more!) demands, you may eventually reach your breaking point. Or you may feel exploited after you engage in some of these thought exercises. If you are setting a boundary from a position of anger or resentment, you are more likely to communicate it in ways that are harsh or even aggressive. Setting boundaries is not a hostile thing to do. But it can feel hostile if you are dysregulated. 

If you have generally had weak boundaries and you begin to have more adaptive ones, expect the people around you to have a period of adjustment. The people in your life who have become accustomed to you picking up the slack and taking on extra tasks may be disappointed when you first set a firm boundary. That’s okay. Their disappointment is not the point of the boundary, but it is an acceptable price. Still, you can make the adjustment easier by expecting and accepting some degree of strain. 

And a gentle reminder that you yourself may struggle with the adjustment if you have been using overwork as a coping mechanism.