Social support is not always a good thing.

Last column we discussed a number of ways to manage grief and loss, including using grounding techniques, engaging in writing projects, and prioritizing self-soothing. Social support was not on that list because it warrants a more nuanced approach, one that acknowledges its potential harms.

Below are some circumstances in which you might consider whether you are truly being supported when you seek social support.

The Should-er

Far from being a shoulder to lean on, the should-er is a voice of recrimination, subtle or otherwise. 

The father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, Albert Ellis, famously suggested that we stop “shoulding” on ourselves. But if we manage to do that, we frequently find that there are others who are all too willing to continue shoulding on us. 

They might advise us about what we should (or should not) be feeling and how long those feelings should last. This shoulding doesn’t mean that the person wishes us harm; very often, these should are expressed out of a desire to help us through our pain. 

But once we begin putting those kinds of constraints on our emotions, we introduce inauthenticity. We are no longer dealing with our actual emotions, but with our interpretation of which emotional responses are acceptable.

Sources of social support that should on you consistently, no matter how well-intentioned they are, may not be helpful to you in your healing.

The Competitive Sufferer

Another potential source of unhelpful social support is the competitive sufferer. You think you have it bad – let me tell you, they have it so much worse. Your pain is negligible compared to what they experience.

When you are dealing with a competitive sufferer, you may find yourself questioning the validity of your emotional responses. You may also begin to think that you don’t have a right to your distress because other situations are so much worse.

You may even find yourself using your limited coping resources to help the person to whom you turned for help.

This is not to dismiss their pain. Their distress is just as real and valid as yours. But the expression of that distress, the way it is basically weaponized against others, is where this type of social support might become unsupportive.

The Quid Pro Quo Accountant

Did you know that if you accept the offer of a soft drink from a car salesman you are then more likely to buy a car? Such is the principle of reciprocity, our innate desire to balance the scales. Reciprocity principles are a cornerstone of healthy human relationships and relatedness.

In the area of social support, reciprocity means that one person is not always the one sharing and the other person is not always the one supporting and helping. We tend to recognize immediately that such a situation would be unfair.

With healthy reciprocity, there is an organic give-and-take within the relationship. 

For the quid pro quo accountant, though, the ledgers must be balanced immediately. If I take your dog for a walk tonight, you need to pick my daughter up from school tomorrow – even if the circumstances that caused you to need my help with the dog are still in play. 

If you seek support within this kind of relationship, you may find that you are called upon to “repay” that before you are ready to do so.

The Uncomfortable Encounter

It is absolutely true that we need to push ourselves outside our comfort zones in order to heal and grow. It is also absolutely true that discomfort is a gift, a warning sign that alerts us to danger. 

Consider whether you feel comfortable sharing your experiences with the person with whom you are sharing.

Consider also whether you are uncomfortable talking about your experience in general, or whether your discomfort is localized to a particular person or people. As you reflect upon this, look out for shoulding behaviors, judgmental attitudes, and other indicators that your discomfort is trying to send you a warning about further disclosure.

Concluding Thoughts

There are a variety of benefits of appropriate social support. Research has consistently shown that social support helps buffer us against stressors, can reduce anxiety and depression, and is generally vital for our optimal wellbeing.   

However, there are times when we may be getting suboptimal social support that can actually make us feel worse. 

This discussion sought to provide you with some guideposts for determining whether the social support you’re getting is the right support for you.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and reactions.